Back And Forth
by Lucy H
Summary: [Holby City] Diane can't bear Ric to be alone after all they've been through. [sexual references, mention of rape]


She didn't know what it was, but some inner force had made her turn around when she was halfway home. She had stopped at the traffic lights, when it had hit her suddenly. She needed to go back. It was an inexplicable feeling that something was wrong, that someone needed her, that someone wanted her there. She had been feeling uneasy about him for a few hours, she had seen him sinking down onto the sofa in his office, tears about to fall from his desperate eyes, and she had just let it be. She had wanted him to be the one to make the first move and to ask for help… but what if he was in too far, what if he couldn't ask for help? What if he wanted to but couldn't quite find the words? Because she knew how it felt to need to get help but to not be able to form the words, to not be able to swallow the pride. 

And so she had turned her car around and driven through the sweeping rain, ignoring the road sign that told her to drive more slowly. The sudden urge to see him and ensure that he was all right was stronger than her need to make sure that she herself was all right. She raced up the stairs to get to his office, knowing that he'd probably be there.

_"I'm worried about you."_ It wasn't exactly the statement of the century, she could have said more. She should have said more, she shouldn't have just let it drop so easily. She should have insisted that he talk to her.

"Diane?" Zubin queried, as she rushed past him. "I thought you'd gone home."

"I wanted to check on Ric." She tried to sound nonchalant, knowing that Zubin wouldn't understand.

"Why?"

"Because… I don't know. He just… he might want to talk."

"I think he made it pretty clear that he _didn't_ want to talk, Diane." Zubin fell into step next to her.

"Oh come on, Zube! You know he's not going to do ask for help!" She sighed. "He's too damn proud." Zubin looked as though he was about to speak, but she cut him off. "Maybe he needs someone to help him whether he likes it or not." Without giving him a chance to comment, she pushed open the door to Ric's office.

She saw him sitting in a sleeping bag on his sofa. The expression on his face was unfortunately familiar to her. She had seen it before, maybe only once, but it was an expression of such despair, sadness, and despondency, that she had known then that she would never forget it, and now, seeing it again, it hit her suddenly. The day she would rather have forgotten, the expression that he had worn on the day… the day… she didn't even like to think about it.

_He looked as though it was Christmas, an expectant look, trying to keep something from her, and she wanted to know what it was. Why should he look like that? Had she forgotten an anniversary or something? Thoughts rushed through her head, and she decided that she hadn't. Their anniversary wasn't for another month. So… why did he look like that?_

_"Ric?" she asked, curiously. "Are you okay?"_

_He smiled broadly. "I'm fine. Better than fine, in fact." _

_She sat down as he talked, and she just let his words wash over her, feeling safe and happy, the soothing sound of his voice making her feel as though nothing bad had ever happened to her, could ever happen to her. Suddenly there was a different tone in his voice, anxiety, maybe?_

_"You're happy, aren't you, Diane?"_

_She shrugged. "Of course I am."_

_"You know I'd never leave you?"_

_She smiled and nestled closer to him. "I know." It made her feel safe… whatever had happened, over the past few years, he would be there for her. It was on her terms, he had promised and she trusted him._

_"You know I'd never hurt you?"_

_She flinched instinctively as he spoke, knowing that he never would, but letting fear control her body and mind. "I know," she replied, after a moment._

_He smiled. "Then… will you marry me?"_

_She had been leaning against him, secure in his arms, but as he spoke, she pulled away, startled and unsure. "What? I – I – no… I don't…"_

_The expression on his face changed. He no longer looked happy; he looked as though she had hurt him, hurt him terribly, and there was no hope of recovery from that. "Why not?"_

_"Taking things slowly… you said we were taking things slowly!" She backed away from him, standing up and nearing the door. "This isn't slow!" She fumbled for the door handle, terrified suddenly._

_"I said I'd never leave you…" The expression on his face showed his confusion. But suddenly, it dawned on him and his face changed. As she wrenched the door open and stumbled outside, breathing heavily, she caught one last glimpse of his face. _

"Are you okay?" she whispered, crossing the room to hug him. 

"I'll be fine…" He moved away from her, self-consciously pulling a shirt on. 

"Ric, what's wrong?" she demanded, forcing him to face her, and clutching onto his hand, almost scared by the expression on his face.

"Nothing…" he began. 

"Oh, and you really think I'll fall for that?" She sounded almost frantic. "God, Ric… what's happened?" Her eyes flicked around the room, full of his bags. "Why's all your stuff here?"

"It's nothing, Diane. Really." He sat down on the sofa heavily, and she sat next to him.

"Don't give me that nonsense." 

"Why the hell are you sleeping in your office?" Her voice rose slightly higher, letting her anxiousness show through.

He looked away. "For God's sake, Diane, just drop it! It's none of your business!"

"You happen to be my best friend, I think it is my business if you're in trouble!" She stood up, her hands on her hips, and faced him. "Do you think I'll judge you, or what?"

"No…" The word came reluctantly. If he had been able to say that yes, he thought she would judge him, then he would have had an excuse to keep this from her.

"So why can't you tell me?" she demanded, lowering her voice slightly. "Tell me!"

He wanted to tell her, he wanted to ask for her help, tell her that he needed her more than he had ever done in the past. Tell her that he wanted her to care more than she did, more than anyone did, but that he wanted her to care for a different reason. He wanted her to care because she was who she was. He wanted her to know instinctively that he needed her help; he wanted her help but didn't know how to form the words to ask, to beg, for what he needed so badly.

_"Diane? Are you alright?" Ric entered the kitchen to find Diane sitting awkwardly on a chair, still wearing her coat and scarf, although she must have arrived home nearly two hours earlier. She was staring into space, her hair not in its usual immaculate state, and she was fiddling with the ends of her scarf, a tiny thread beginning to fray from the rest._

_When he entered the kitchen, she didn't look up, or even give any sign that she had noticed him. "Diane?" he said again, louder this time, concerned. Her eyes flickered over to where he was, and a flicker of recognition appeared._

_"Hi," she whispered quietly._

_"Are you alright?" he repeated, kneeling on the floor next to her, and putting his arms around her. _

_"I – I don't know." She didn't. Her mind was almost blank, barely able to accept what had happened to her. And not able to admit it to anyone. Least of all him. They had only been together for a few months, they lived together because she had nowhere else to go, and after hearing what had happened, he would leave her, she would be alone, and she couldn't handle that._

_He noticed tears forming at the corners of her eyes and didn't pressure her. "It's okay. It'll all be okay," he reassured her; unsure of what he was saying, or even why he was saying it. He tried to hug her, but she resisted slightly, fearful of him touching her._

_"Don't leave me…" she pleaded, feeling the tears cascading down her face._

_He looked at her concernedly before answering. In the brief moment before he opened his mouth, fear flooded her again, and she clung onto his hand. "Please Ric… please, don't leave me…"_

_He saw how terrified she looked, and how much she was depending on his answer. He squeezed her hand gently. "Of course I won't leave you."_

Ric forced himself to look at Diane, the real Diane, the one standing in front of him, not the one from his memories. The Diane standing in front of him was stronger, more capable, than the young girl he had known. There had been so many changes in her that he barely recognised her. The one thing that hadn't changed was her determination. The fact that when she wanted something, she would go for it. And she wanted to know what was wrong with him.

"So?" she prompted him. 

He sighed. "Diane, please…" 

She softened as she saw the expression on his face. "Ric, I want to help you. I'm not going to judge. I want to help you, I want you to talk to me, I'm your friend. You helped me when… when I needed you, I want to help you."

He nodded. She wouldn't judge him; he knew that he could count on that. She would never judge him because he would never judge her. It was a two-way deal. An unwritten rule of theirs. If either of them needed help, they could count on the other one to be there, not judging them, not gossiping about them, just helping. Maybe they'd ask for help from others, but they would always try and help.

"If you don't want to talk yet, then that's alright," she said slowly. She wanted desperately for him to talk to her, but she knew that it wasn't always that easy. "Just… come back with me, yeah? Come and stay for a bit, just so that you're not sleeping in your office."

He smiled gratefully at her. She'd bypassed the fact that he'd not told her that he was homeless; she'd bypassed the fact that he hadn't asked for her help. She was just concerned about him. Taking a deep breath, he knew that if he didn't tell her anything now, he never would. "I need to talk to you," he said quietly. 

She sat down automatically. "What is it?" she asked, immediately attentive.

"You know I was gambling…" he began slowly. She nodded, so he continued. "You know Zubin bought my car to help me pay off my debts?" She nodded again. "It wasn't enough… not really… so I paid some of them, but… it's like a disease, this. I couldn't get over it, no matter how hard I tried."

She sighed. "Why didn't you _say_ anything?" It made her feel awful to think that he felt that he couldn't talk to her. What sort of a friend was she if he didn't feel able to confide in her? But the next moment, she was berating herself for thinking of herself when he needed her. He needed her help, advice, but above all, he just needed her.

"I couldn't," he replied slowly. Why not? Pride… he didn't want to admit to Diane, to his ex-girlfriend, to someone who looked up to him, that he was a failure.

She shrugged. "Exactly… how bad is it?" she asked, hesitantly.

"I don't have a car, I don't have a house, I've sold most of my possessions, and I'm still in debt." He leant back against the wall and ran his hands through his hair. "God, I've messed up."

"It'll be okay…" She put an arm around him and squeezed his hand gently. "I'll help you – if you want, that is," she added, slowly.

"No one can help… I've got to deal with this by myself…" 

"You can't deal with it by yourself, Ric." She spoke sternly, but he knew she was only doing so because she cared. "You need help, whether you want to admit it or not. You know that?" He nodded and she smiled. "Good. Now, I've got some money put away, I don't know how much you need…"

He stopped her, shocked. "No."

"What? Ric, you're not going to be able to get out of it any other way." She reached into her bag and took out a chequebook. "Okay, I've…"

"Diane, I'm not going to take your money!" He was shocked that she would even offer. On second thoughts, he realised that he wasn't. She was generous, she always had been. But he had principles; he would never take anything from her. "What kind of friend do you think I am?" he asked her. "I'd never ask…"

"You're not asking. I'm offering, there's a difference." 

"Diane, you're forever complaining that you don't have enough money…"

"I apparently have more than you do." She sighed. "I meant what I said before, Ric. I am worried about you, you know. I want to help you."

He had his head laid on her shoulder and was looking up at her, and she suddenly knew what he was going to say. "Don't," she warned him.

"Don't what?" he asked innocently. 

"I know what you're going to say. Don't do it." She looked away quickly.

He turned her to face him, and ignored her warning. He wanted to tell her, and she needed to hear him. "I love you."

She felt her mouth curve upwards into an involuntary smile, but forced it away. No, don't feel like this. Focus on him, focus on telling him… "You shouldn't – you shouldn't –" she began slowly.

"I shouldn't love you?" he asked.

"You shouldn't have told me…" she replied, sighing. She forced the smile off her face, and tried to quell the happiness inside of her, the anticipation over something that couldn't happen just yet.

"Why not?" He took her hand in his, honestly confused. "I mean it, you know. I really do."

She nodded. "I know… and I – I love you too, you know." 

He was shocked to hear her say that; it had been so long since she had told him anything along those lines. But he couldn't be happy about it, not properly, because she was saying that it wasn't right. "But…?" he prompted.

"But… I don't think this is the right time for… anything." She hesitated before speaking, confused about what she was saying and what she was feeling.

Realisation dawned. "Oh. You don't trust me."

She shook her head. "No, I trust you – of course I do. I just think you shouldn't be…" She paused, trying to work out how to say what she felt. "I'm not saying that this – us – is a bad idea. It's a great idea, we're good together and… if things were different…"

"If I wasn't gambling," he supplied, sounding slightly bitter. "You know, I could maybe understand if it were something different, if you said you didn't love me, if you – I don't know, if you were dating Zubin or something…"

"Zubin?" she repeated, shocked. "Of all the strange things you could suggest…"

"He likes you, you know." Ric let go of Diane's hand, sensing that the moment had passed. The moment had passed and there was no difference – they were no closer together, no further apart.

_"Diane, this is Zubin. Zube, Diane." Ric led a somewhat shy Diane into the bar, where his best friend was sitting. _

_She smiled awkwardly. "Hi."_

_Zubin smiled at her. "Congratulations Ric, she's prettier than the last one."_

_Diane blushed and sat down uncomfortably, feeling ever more embarrassed as she felt her face growing hotter. Ric put an arm around her. "Thank you, Zubin. You're embarrassing her."_

_Zubin looked apologetically at Diane. "I'm sorry." He shrugged. "I can always embarrass Ric if that'd make you feel better."_

_Diane laughed, feeling more at ease. Ric sat down next to her. "Zube, about that business of 'prettier than the last one', careful what you say to her – I'm kinda attached to her, I don't want to scare her off."_

_Zubin shrugged. "She ought to know what she's letting herself in for."_

_Diane was unsure whether to be bemused or bewildered. "What am I letting myself in for then?" she queried, jokingly._

_"Well, you realise he's been married, don't you?" She nodded, and Zubin continued. "Four times."_

_"Four?"_

_"And he has children… nine of them…" Zubin trailed off as Ric placed a hand over his friend's mouth._

_"Are you trying to make her hate me?"_

_"Nine?" Diane asked, incredulously._

_Ric smiled uncomfortably. "Sort of."_

_"How can you 'sort of' have nine children?" Zubin put in, teasing._

_"Fine. Yes, I have nine children. I probably should have told you, but I was actually planning on doing it some other time…" Ric glared at Zubin. "Some time when Zubin wasn't here." Thank you Zubin, he added silently to himself. Thank you for ruining the best thing that's happened to me in a long time._

_Zubin stood up, slightly unnerved by the expression on Ric's face. "I – I have to be somewhere," he excused himself, and left hurriedly._

_Diane and Ric sat looking uncomfortably at one another in silence for a few moments. "So… nine?" Diane asked, after a little while._

_Ric laughed. "I'm afraid so."_

_"That's… quite a lot."_

_"Look, if this is… I don't know, if it's too much for you to take in or anything…" He wanted to tell her that he didn't mind if she wanted out, but he couldn't quite bring himself to say it. _

_She knew what he was trying to say, and smiled. "I can take it." _

"Don't try and change the subject," Diane said, knowing that Ric would much rather put his feelings aside than talk about his problems. 

"I didn't…" The excuse sounded feeble even to him. "Sorry."

"I'm not saying a definite no." Diane leant her head against the back of the sofa. "I'm honestly not."

"Then you should have phrased it differently. Because from where I'm standing, it sounded like a pretty definite no." Ric shot her a look. This was just cruel, playing with his emotions like this.

"Look, Ric, I'm just saying – not right now. This isn't the best time." She sighed.

"It never is."

She ignored his comment, and continued. "I'm doing this for you, you know." She looked at her hands. "I don't want you to – get through this, and then find yourself saddled with me and think I took advantage of you when you were vulnerable." She was speaking quietly and quickly, wanting to get it all out of the way, and wanting him to immediately contradict her, telling her that she was wrong, that no, he'd never think that.

"Well… thank you for thinking like that." There was a slightly bitter note in his voice. Vulnerable? Was that how she saw him? He was shocked. He didn't want to be thought of as vulnerable; he wanted her to look up to him. But that was ridiculous – of course she would think he was vulnerable; he was in a lot of debt, he was sleeping in his office, and he needed her to save him. He was a proud man, and it hurt to think that she thought that.

"I'm not trying to say… I'm not trying to hurt you… or me," she added as an afterthought. "I'm just saying, that – maybe we should wait a while before trying anything." She paused, looking intently at him. As he looked back at her, trying to hide the confusion and hurt in his eyes, her resolve began to weaken, and she sighed. "Oh…"

_"Diane?" Ric called out to her as she walked past his office, on the way home after a long day – a long week in fact. It was the end of her first week, and she was exhausted._

_"Yes?" she asked, forcing herself to wander into his office and smile at him, although every part of her insisted that she needed to go home and sleep._

_"Have you had a good week?" he queried politely._

_She sat down. "Yes thank you. Tiring though."_

_He laughed. "Life is." He paused for a moment. "So… how tired are you? Tired enough not to want to go out for a drink?"_

_She paused for a moment, unsure of what he meant. He waited for her answer. She smiled at him. "Oh… no, no, I'd like that."_

"A new start," she told him quietly. "We… we'll get you through this, and then…"

He smiled. "We'll do something."

_"I'm Diane Lloyd," she introduced herself, nervously fiddling with a button on her jacket._

_"You'll pull that button off in a moment," he commented kindly. She smiled, her nerves ebbing away. "There's no need to look so nervous, Miss Lloyd, I'm not going to eat you," he laughed._

_She began to relax instantly, feeling that this was someone she could be comfortable with. "Sorry, Mr Griffin… I just…"_

_"You don't need to explain yourself. I remember what it's like to be new in a job." _

_"Thank you," she replied quietly, grateful._

She took his hand and helped him up. "Right then. You're going to get through this, you know."

"I know."

She kissed him and led him out of the door.

_A nervous young woman stood outside the office door. She knocked quietly and went in.___


End file.
